The term ‘Love Languages’ became popularised by the author Gary Chapman, who wrote the book ‘The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate’. He writes the types of Love Languages as: Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts and Physical Touch.

Acts of Service tend to be moments where someone gives up some of their time to do something to help another person that could be something as simple as cooking or washing the dishes.



Words of Affirmation are verbal or written statements that confirm, support or empathize in a positive manner. They could be compliments, encouraging phrases or kind words.

Quality Time is time focused on another person. You and they don’t necessarily have to give each other undivided attention, but you could. Simply doing activities together, like watching a film or going for a walk is creating quality time by focusing/paying attention.

Receiving Gifts may make someone seem materialistic but for many, it’s a physical sign that someone is loved. To receive a gift, it often means someone was thinking about the recipient and bought/made/found an item to give to them.

Physical Touch is a positive physical gesture of showing love. Depending on the relationship, it could be a hug, a kiss or even just ruffling someone’s hair.

We communicate through Love Languages without realising it almost every day, to friends, family, and to lovers:

• Roommates doing chores they may not like if their roommate is having a rough day.
• Siblings reaching out to give each other gentle pokes and prods with wide grins.
• Friends offering up kind words of encouragement when their friends are having a hard time.
• Lovers sending a small, meaningful gift to their partners just because they can.
• Families spending time in the same room even while doing other activities.

According to Chapman, everyone has a Main Love Language that they easily recognise and may also be the one they use to express their love for another person. Chapman explains that you may also have a Secondary Love Language that is often the Love Language of your partner, and one in which you prefer to communicate if you do not have access to your main Love Language.

Of course, right now, any expression of love, affection, or appreciation is a useful one, it helps us feel less alone, makes us feel seen. Makes us feel loved. But it may be even more helpful to discuss it with the people you care about. That way you can speak freely and find out their preferred methods so it becomes a conversation in which you can understand each other and develop a way to communicate clearly. It may feel awkward to bring up but it would be beneficial to know how to translate what you want to say into a way they understand.

"If we want the rewards of being loved we
have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known."

Tim Kreider

In the times we live in, it may be hard to give and receive in our natural Love Language, especially if it is Physical Touch, so having a conversation about this can help you and your important person understand each other’s needs and feelings before mis-understandings inadvertently causes negative feelings. You can both be there for, and respond to, each other in the Languages you prefer.

During the conversation, it may come up that someone’s preferred method isn’t something you’re necessarily comfortable with so finding a middle ground where you are both at ease is important. Try not to put yourself in a place of discomfort just to help them as it can make you feel pressured and awkward.

At the core of it, Love Languages are a way to help you and your loved ones feel understood and seen.

To read the book yourself or to read the variations (e.g. The Five Love Languages of Teenagers) you can find his work for free at; https://archive.org/